Henry VII of England: The Dawn of the Tudor Era

 

His ascension to the throne of England marked the end of the Wars of the Roses (read about them HERE and HERE). He's the man who finally managed to unify the houses of Lancaster and York.

But let's take it from the top.

Henry Tudor was born in 1457 to Edmund Tudor, Earl of Richmond, and Margaret Beaufort, who descended from the House of Lancaster. His mother was 13 years old when she gave birth to him and 12 years old when she... ahem... conceived him. Now, by comparison, the sex scenes in the Knock Knock film don't seem that creepy anymore, do they?

The Wars of the Roses (Part 2)

 

The first part is HERE.

After Edward IV's coronation, the two former monarchs (Henry and Margaret) and their son fled to Scotland.

Everything seemed to be going well for three years, during which, by the way, Former King Henry was captured for a third time (ok, seriously, stop being captured, Henry; this isn't even funny anymore!)

Anyway, after a relatively peaceful period, disagreements arose between King Edward and the Yorkists' powerful ally, Richard Neville.

The Wars of the Roses (Part 1)

 

A series of conflicts that lasted for 30 years, from 1455 to 1485. Do not confuse them with the Thirty Years' War, which lasted from 1618 to 1648, though; we will talk about the latter in the future... maybe.

The Wars of the Roses were named after the emblems of the Lancaster and York houses: a red rose and a white one respectively.

The House of Lancaster and the House of York both branched off the House of Plantagenet, who had been ruling England since 1154 (we talked about that HERE).

The House of Lancaster was created by the third son of King Edward III: John of Gaunt, Duke of Lancaster (hence the name). The House of York was created by the fourth son of Edward III: Edmund of Langley, Duke of York (hence the name).

You see, King Edward, in his attempt to keep all his sons happy (how sweet of him!), created duchies left and right, bestowing them on his children. Little did he know what a mess that decision of his would cause!

Richard I of England: Heart of a Lion, Brains of a Chicken

 

He was renowned for his martial prowess and bravery.

Boooring.

His exploits in the Third Crusade are legendary.

Yawn.

One of the most illustrious monarchs of England.

Wake me up when this article is over.

Also rumors have it he was gay.

WHOAH! Now you have my attention!

Richard was one of the children of Henry II and Eleanor of Aquitaine (we said a lot about that couple HERE).

He became Duke of Aquitaine and Count of Poitou when he was 15. Most boys his age would be delighted in his position. I mean, what else does it take to make a teenage boy happy? Some pokemon video games, some prostitutes, some junk food and a duchy or two. However, Richard was greedy.

Edward VI of England: A Cutie Patootie

 

Son of Henry VIII (his story HERE) and brother of Mary I (her story HERE) and Elizabeth I (her story HERE). Have I mentioned the Tudors are a weird family?

When Little Edward was five years old, in 1543, at the Treaty of Greenwich, his father betrothed him to Mary, Queen of Scots (her story HERE), who was seven months old at that time.

When the Scottish Parliament rejected the treaty, Henry became furious and decided to invade Scotland and burn Edinburgh, so that 'God's vengeance is lightened upon them for their falsehood and disloyalty.'

(gasp) But how was that supposed to serve justice? I mean, how was what enraged Henry the fault of all those citizens that would end up homeless or dead because of that invasion?

Don't give it that much thought, fellows. Apparently, that's how God's vengeance works. Was the original sin our fault? No. And yet, he cursed all of us for what two people (Adam and Eve) did. Christian logic, baby!

Becoming a king when he was only nine years old and dying when he was only fifteen, Edward did not have much time to actually rule and become known for his decisions as a monarch. Instead, he became mostly known for being the main character in 'The Prince and the Pauper' novel by Mark Twain (legend has it that every time someone opens a copy of this book, a director in Hollywood comes up with an idea for an unoriginal film with a similar plot except it's usually about a princess) and a treatise against the papal supremacy, which he wrote in 1549, when he was only 11 years old!

Victoria of the United Kingdom: She Is not Amused

 

She hated democracy and a political system where the monarch has only ceremonial duties. Yet it was during her reign that such a system was established for good.

She hated pregnancies, yet she had nine children.

She hated technological advances, yet it was during her reign when the British Empire grew into an industrial superpower.

Suddenly, I wish she hated my Amazon novels as well, for that would sure turn them into best sellers!

She was the longest reigning sovereign in the history of the United Kingdom (63 years), until she was surpassed by the reigning queen, Elizabeth II (God bless her), in 2015.

One of the most iconic monarchs of the country, her reign was named 'Victorian Era' after her. An era when the middle class finally got the right to vote (Reform Act 1867). An era characterized by stuff such as a strict set of rules of conduct, especially regarding sexual matters, an idealistic style in literature, even a distinctive dressing fashion.

Victoria was born in 1819 to Prince Edward, the fourth son of King George III (aka George the Cuckoohead), and Princess Victoria of Saxe Coburg Saalfeld. 

She was christened Alexandrina Victoria. The names Georgina, Charlotte and Augusta were proposed but rejected. Thankfully. I mean, imagine an alternate universe where she got one of those names and that era got to be called Georginian Era or Charlottian Era or Augustian Era. Wouldn't exactly roll off the tongue. Right?

Mary I of England: Sweet as the Titular Cocktail

 

Mary Tudor (aka Bloody Mary) was the first queen regnant of England, that is to say, the first woman to rule the country by herself, in a medieval world dominated by men, when feminism was not a thing yet. I mean, I bet that, if I lived back then, I could even have got a job at a toy shop or a pastry shop or a clothes shop or something despite having a dick, whereas, nowadays, every time I try, the (female) clerk will smile like an idiot and go like, 'Sorry, we hire women only.' (Grrr!)

When that chick ascended the throne, she compiled the following 'to do' list...

1. Make my nickname so famous that, even centuries after my death, cocktails will still be named after me.

2. Restore Catholicism in England.

Unfortunately, Bloody Mary managed to mark only the first checkbox in the list, no matter how hard she tried and how many Protestants and other heretics she roasted at public barbeques. 

But let's take things from the top.

Daughter of Henry VIII (we said a lot about him HERE) and sister of Elizabeth I (we said a lot about her HERE). The Tudors were an interesting, though not exactly mentally stable, family, weren't they?

As a child, Little Mary was really precocious. Also, as her father bragged about, she never cried. Then again, presiding over the Council of Wales and the Marches, having her own court and the same royal prerogatives as if she was Princess of Wales, the 9 year old Mary had very few reasons to cry. I mean, I would never cry either if I was her!

Elizabeth I of England: Died a Virgin (or Did She?)

 

 

If you think you're gonna die a virgin, don't feel bad. Over the history of mankind, many great figures have died virgins. Such as Lewis Carroll, who wrote the Alice books (Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass), and Queen Elizabeth I of England.

At least rumor has it so. Nevertheless, virgin or not, no one can deny that Elizabeth Tudor was the greatest English monarch of all times (girl power, yay). Her reign came to be known as the Elizabethan Age.

Liz was the daughter of Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. A girl with daddy issues. She was a toddler when, in 1536, her father ordered that her mother was executed, on charges of adultery and other stuff (more about that story HERE).

Of course, Elizabeth's daddy issues did not stem from something as trivial as him having killed her mother. What really annoyed Little Liz was the fact that, soon after the execution, Henry went like, 'And now, annul my marriage with that dead bitch and declare our daughter illegitimate.'

The members of the Parliament went like, 'Wait, if your marriage is annulled, doesn't that render the charges of adultery which Anne was beheaded on invalid? I mean, the gal could not cheat on you if you two were not married to begin with.'

Henry glared at them, causing them to gulp. 'Who's the boss here, sweethearts?'

And so, poor Little Liz was declared illegitimate and lost her status as a princess.

'Welcome to the club, girl,' her older sister, Mary (who also had been declared illegitimate, when Henry's marriage with his first wife was annulled), lovingly consoled her.

Mary I of Scotland: Don't You Want to Cuddle Her?

 

Mostly known as Mary Stuart of the Scots, that chick went through a hell of a lot of stuff in her life. Despite the fact that she became a queen when she was only six days old! 

Her father, King James V of Scotland, died in 1542 at the Battle of Solway Moss, a battle fought against his uncle, Henry VIII of England (we said a lot about that guy HERE) because he had refused to follow the latter's lead and break from the Catholic Church.

As a result, when Mary Stuart was only six days old, she became more important than I will ever be in my entire life, unless my books on Amazon begin selling someday (I think I just took shameless plugging to a new level).

And while Little Mary was carefreely spending her days pooping her diapers, unable to imagine the hellish life she had ahead of her, Cardinal David Beaton and James Hamilton, Earl of Arran, were bickering over the regency. Neither was giving an inch, since each of them firmly believed that his dick was larger than the other's and therefore he was the one who should rule until Little Mary came of age; nevertheless, eventually, Mary's mother, Mary of Lorraine, became the regent, even though she didn't even have a dick to begin with (then again, she never honored me with lowering her pants in my presence, so I cannot say with confidence that she didn't have one!)

Henry VIII of England: WTF?

 

A few weeks ago, HERE, we saw the story of Henry II of England, a (not so) adorable boy. Today, we will follow the story of an even less adorable boy: King Henry VIII of England.

A boy who became a king out of nowhere; his older brother died while Henry was prepared for a career as a clergyman. When his old man, Henry VII, died too, the people of England had high expectations for the new king, a highly educated, sophisticated and athletic person. 

However, Henry VIII turned out to be a psychotic freak who executed about one quarter of his country's population. Compared to him, the Queen of Hearts is an amateur, baby!

Early History of Wales/Cornwall

 

So, as we said HERE, after the Anglo-Saxon invasion of South Great Britain, there were still some parts where Celts managed to maintain their independence. 

One part was the Kingdom of Dumnonia, which included Cornwall and a part of Somerset. It was named after a Celtic tribe called Dumnonii, though, in the 6th century, a monk called Gildas used the variant Damnonia as a pun, because he wanted to damn King Constantine, whom he considered immoral. (You see, monks are not allowed to use bad language, for obvious reasons, so Gildas couldn't say 'fuck' instead of 'damn'; besides, the name 'Fuckonia' would sound awkward anyway.)

In any case, the aforementioned kingdom was eventually conquered by the Anglo-Saxons of the Kingdom of Wessex in the 9th century.

Early History of Scotland

 

As we said HERE, the Celts that inhabited Scotland in ancient times were called Picts. They founded several small kingdoms.

During the 5th century, Scots, a Celtic tribe from Ireland, arrived at the western part of the country and founded the Kingdom of Dal Riata. 

Angles were also there, in the southeast part.

How all those folks got united into the Kingdom of Scotland?

Early History of Ireland

So far, in the posts under the 'british isles' label, I have said a lot about Great Britain. However, Great Britain is hardly the only British Isle around. We shouldn't forget about her baby sis, Ireland.

I mean, if an Irish person read my blog, they would get frustrated with that. They'd be like, 'Why, Hector? What does Great Britain have that Ireland doesn't?' Good thing that such a thing will probably never happen, for nobody knows that this blog exists. But, just in case, let's say a few things about that rich in history and traditions island as well.

King Arthur Legend

King Arthur is a one of those legendary figures whose existence is debated, such as William Tell, Big Foot, Loch Ness Monster and that person who would actually read the terms on the Internet before clicking on 'I have read the terms and agree'. In any case, if he existed, he was a British monarch who defended the island against the Anglo-Saxons.

King Arthur statue

 

As we saw HERE, the aforementioned Germanic guys invaded Great Britain during the 5th-6th centuries AD.

According to the legend, though, Arthur defended his people not only against the Anglo-Saxon invaders but also against monsters, such as giant cats, destructive divine boars, dragons, dogheads and Ariana Grande in the wrong mood.

And now, here is the story of that legendary monarch. Is it a true story? Is it not? This is for me not to give a shit about and for you to find out.

The Evolution of Parliament

King John's castle

 

As I said in one of the previous posts, we owe to the British the institution of parliament in its modern form.

Today, we will see how that institution evolved on the British Isles. In fact, we will see the evolution of the English political system. A noteworthy fact is that the modern political system in England results mainly from practice, customs and developed habits rather than from written constitutions.

So, let's take it from the top. Here we go.

Henry II of England: An Adorable Boy

 This is the story of an adorable little boy. 

A boy with anger management issues (probably because, when he was little, his mother, Empress Matilda, spent more time engaging in a war over the English throne than loving him). 

A boy with a passion for hunting. 

A boy who grew bow legged because of excessive horse riding. (I feel for you, Henry. I think I, too, suffer from the same condition, except I got it from excessively jacking off in front of my laptop screen).

The boy who would grow up into the hero who set up the Angevin Empire, slaughtering millions of innocents while he was at it.

This is his story!

But, first of all, let's tell a few things about that boy's family background.

As we said last time, when William the Conqueror, Duke of Normandy, conquered England, he reorganized the state. His son, Henry I, successfully continued his father's policy.

Henry I had only one son, William Adelin. That lad drowned during the White Ship shipwreck in 1120. Stephen of Blois, His Majesty's nephew, also meant to embark on that ship, but he couldn't, because he really needed to use the bathroom when the ship set sail (I'm not kidding, fellows; seriously, that's why he missed it!)

In the lack of a male heir, Henry I married again, hoping he would have another son. However, considering he was a relatively advanced age by that time and the fact that not everyone is a Charlie Chaplin, he had set his hopes too high; the desired son never came.

Early History of the Kingdom of England

So, as we said LAST TIME, in 829, Wessex managed to gain supremacy over the rest of the kingdoms of the Heptarchy, though the union did not officially become a thing before 927, under King Ethelstan. 

And now, with all kingdoms united, one would say that the Anglo-Saxons could live happily ever after. Right?

WRONG!

You see, fellows, there were still several factors preventing them from enjoying life. For one thing, neither condoms nor toilet paper had been invented yet, and it's hard for one to enjoy life without either of those. Also, there was that problem that the Danes posed.

But, who were the Danes?

Well, the Danes were a Germanic race which inhabited (as one can easily infer from their name) the area which is nowadays the state of Denmark.

Introduction to the British Isles

Ahh, the British Isles. This archipelago comprises Ireland, several small, insignificant islands and, last but not least, Great Britain.

Speaking of which, why is Great Britain called great? Does that mean there is a Little Britain as well? And, if there is, where is it? When I googled it, all that showed up was THIS comedy series, which, as interesting as it may seem, was far from what I was looking for.

Anyway, the people living on the aforementioned isles have blessed humanity with so many wonderful things. 

Such as their amazing language. A language you spend 10 years of your life learning only for it to go like, 'You know what, honey? Forget about all grammatical rules you have learnt. Idioms time, baby! They're so many that every rule you've learnt so far is practically useless.'

Such as soccer.

Ahem... it's football!

Whoops, sorry, my bad.

Such as the institution of parliament as it is known today in most modern European countries.

Such as stylish buses.

Such as Lady D.

Such as Harry Potter. Umm, no, on second thought, scratch this one out. I'm not really into novels about magic schools and stuff. I find them boring. And I'm not saying this because I envy Rowling like hell and hate her guts because her novels have sold 523 million copies whereas my own novels have sold only 4 copies. Oh, whom am I kidding? That's exactly why I'm saying this.

But, most importantly, the British have an awesome civilization to show for, one of the most ancient ones in the world.