King Arthur Legend

King Arthur is a one of those legendary figures whose existence is debated, such as William Tell, Big Foot, Loch Ness Monster and that person who would actually read the terms on the Internet before clicking on 'I have read the terms and agree'. In any case, if he existed, he was a British monarch who defended the island against the Anglo-Saxons.

King Arthur statue

 

As we saw HERE, the aforementioned Germanic guys invaded Great Britain during the 5th-6th centuries AD.

According to the legend, though, Arthur defended his people not only against the Anglo-Saxon invaders but also against monsters, such as giant cats, destructive divine boars, dragons, dogheads and Ariana Grande in the wrong mood.

And now, here is the story of that legendary monarch. Is it a true story? Is it not? This is for me not to give a shit about and for you to find out.

Arthur's father was King Uther Pendragon of Britain. That guy fell in love with Igraine, the wife of one of his vassals, Gorlois, Duke of Cornwall.

When Uther announced his decision to marry Igraine, Gorlois was like, 'Not cool, dude. I mean Ι know that you're my king and I have sworn fealty to you, but it is one thing to give you the lion share of the wealth I'm earning fair and square by having the villeins of my fief work like slaves while I sit on my butt and another thing to give you my wife.'

However, Uther persisted.

And so, a war broke out between the king and his vassal. Igraine was placed by her husband in Tintagel Castle.

With the help of Wizard Merlin, Uther formulated a plan to finally get laid. Merlin transformed him so that he looked exactly like Gorlois. Believing that he was her husband, Igraine opened her legs. And that's how Arthur was conceived. 

Meanwhile, Gorlois was killed by Uther's men.

Uther was now like, 'Let's let bygones be bygones and get married. How about it, Igraine?'

'Wait a minute, you're asking me to marry the man who murdered my husband and, on top of that, essentially raped me?' Igraine asked.

'Pretty much,' Uther casually nodded.

'Sure. Why not?' Igraine casually answered.

When Arthur was born, Merlin took him away to protect him from the king's enemies. The boy was raised by Sir Ector.

When Uther died, the kingdom lapsed into anarchy. Innocent citizens would be robbed in daylight, women were raped, the poor were being exploited by the nobility, misery and despair everywhere; in other words, the same stuff that happens when the throne is occupied, except that now the throne was vacant.

Merlin, who was not only a wizard but also a prophet, was like, 'Do you see this sword in this stone? It's called Excalibur and only the rightful king can pull it out.'

 

One day, Arthur, who was a teenager at that time, accidentally broke the sword of his foster brother, Kay. 

Kay, who had always envied Arthur, politely requested another one: 'Either find me a new sword to replace the one you broke or fuck yourself.'

'Okey dokey, Kay,' Arthur cheerfully replied, unaware both of Merlin's prophecy as well as of the pun he had just unintentionally made with his foster bro's name.

After roaming for a while, he found Excalibur and pulled it out.

Everybody around was like, 'All hail to the new king.'

'Moi?' Arthur pointed at himself, surprised. 'Are you guys sure you're not mistaking me for someone else?'

'All hail to the new king,' everybody repeated.

'Oh, okay, if you insist,' Arthur shrugged.

Kay facepalmed and was like, 'If only I had told him to just fuck himself.'

And so, Arthur became the powerful king of Britain and assembled around him a court of strong and brave warriors, the Knights of the Round Table. Kay went like, 'Oh, well,' and joined the royal court too.

But what happened with Merlin? 

Well, that old man had a weakness that destroyed him: beautiful ladies.

One day, he met the Lady of the Lake, a fairy who, as her name implies, would usually show up by emerging from a lake, though that lake was actually an entry to the Otherworld. 

Merlin was like, 'Vavavavoom!'

The lady was like, 'Back off, old coot. You'll get no poon today. Well, unless you teach me your magic skills.'

And teach her his magic skills he did.

However, as soon as she had got what she wanted, the Lady of the Lake sealed him away into a tree or something.

'Hey, no fair,' Merlin protested. 'I thought you had promised to get laid with me if I taught you magic.'

The lady chuckled. 'You know, there is a thing called lying, which occasionally makes life easier. I'm surprised, though, that you fell for that. I mean, being a prophet, shouldn't you have seen this coming?'

'I saw it coming,' Merlin explained. 'But I could do nothing to prevent it, because, if I could, it wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't have been able to foresee it in the first place.' (At this point, our heads explode.)

Despite the above, the Lady of the Lake helped Arthur quite a few times.

Such as that time Arthur's prized sword, Excalibur, broke in battle. 

Arthur was like, 'Waah, waah, Arthur wants Excalibur.'

The Lady of the Lake was like, 'Why don't you just use any other sword? Same difference.'

However, Arthur insisted, 'Waah, waah, Arthur wants Excalibur.'

After facepalming, the lady took a random sword, patted Arthur on the shoulder to draw his attention and was like, 'There, there, Artie. Look. This is Excalibur 2.'

Arthur took the sword, raised it and cheerfully cried, 'Yaay, Excalibur 2!'

The Lady of the Lake also helped take Arthur to Avalon, a legendary island, when he was mortally wounded by the usurper of the throne, Mordred. Arthur is expected to return from that island someday (perhaps the same day that Elvis and Disney will return too).

Till that day comes, you can pass the time by reading my novels on Amazon (author page HERE) and sharing my blog posts on social media. See you next time.

Fun fact: Mordred was the son Arthur fathered after having incestuous sex with his half sister! Seriously? I mean, when I write such stuff on Fanfiction Net, everyone is like, 'You're sick, dude. Quit writing and seek psychiatric help.' But when medieval poets write such stuff, NOOOO, they become literary masterpieces!