Early History of Ireland

So far, in the posts under the 'british isles' label, I have said a lot about Great Britain. However, Great Britain is hardly the only British Isle around. We shouldn't forget about her baby sis, Ireland.

I mean, if an Irish person read my blog, they would get frustrated with that. They'd be like, 'Why, Hector? What does Great Britain have that Ireland doesn't?' Good thing that such a thing will probably never happen, for nobody knows that this blog exists. But, just in case, let's say a few things about that rich in history and traditions island as well.

It is unclear who the first people to inhabit the island were. A legend says that, in the 15th century BC, Greek settlers led by some Partholon guy arrived in Ireland, though there is no real evidence that supports this. Then again, the Greeks have taken a liking in wanking off while fantasizing that they're the ones who started every ancient civilization that has ever existed, so that theory is probably another wet dream of theirs.

Views as to when the Celts (more about them HERE) colonized Ireland vary. So let's just say that this happened in 500 BC because shut up.

By the Early Middle Ages, Ireland was divided in small kingdoms, the most important of which were Meath, Ulster, Leinster, Munster and Connacht.

One time, in the beginning of the 7th century AD, someone had an idea. 'Hey, guys, how about we give one of the kings the High King title?'

'And how exactly will that guy be different from the other kings?' another person asked.

'He will be no different. He will just be called High King,' the first person explained. 'Doesn't that sound cool?'

'Dude, you urgently need a life. Someone must get you a girlfriend,' the second person commented. 

Nevertheless, a High King was indeed decided somehow. And, indeed, most of the time, he was no different from the other kings.

The High King was usually the King of Meath and his seat was located at the beautiful Hill of Tara.

Have you ever visited it?

No.

Then how do you know it's beautiful?

Shut up.

Vikings started invading the island in the 9th century. At that time, the Irish were too busy engaging in civil wars and slaughtering one another to bother with something as trivial as foreign invaders, so the newcomers made themselves at home and founded several coastal kingdoms, the most important of which were Dublin and Limerick.

Finally, in 1014, at the Battle of Clontarf, High King Brian Boru kicked them out of Ireland.

After that, the Irish went back to slaughtering one another in civil wars. Same old, same old.

In 1167, High King Ruaidri Ua Conchobair sent a message to Diarmait mac Murchadha, King of Leinster: 'Dude, you're fired. Hand over your throne, pack your things and leave.'

'But, why?' Diarmait whined.

'For one thing, you have a name that no one can pronounce correctly without getting tongue cancer,' Ruaidri explained.

'So does everyone else on this island,' Diarmait argued.

'Also,' Ruaidri carried on, 'it is not cool at all that you abducted Derbforgaill, the wife of Tiernan O Rourke, King of Breifne. I mean, you're totally allowed to rape slaves, but that was the wife of a colleague. Where is your professional courtesy, dude?' 

However, Diarmait was stubborn like hell. He addressed King Henry II of England (we said a lot about that guy HERE) and asked him for help in order to regain his throne.

'You know, it's a funny thing that you're asking for that,' Henry chuckled. 'Because, coincidentally, 12 years ago, my compatriot, Pope Adrian IV, issued Laudabiliter, a papal bull allowing me to intervene in the matters of Ireland by any means necessary in order to oversee the organization of the Christian Church there. After all, Christianity is a religion preaching love above all else, and therefore, it's worth spreading.'

Diarmait raised an eyebrow. 'And, when you say by any means necessary, you mean...'

'I mean by invading the island, destroying stuff and killing innocents, you goose,' Henry comfortingly patted him on the shoulder. 'As if there was any other way of subjugating a place and spreading Christianity! By the way, have I mentioned that our religion preaches love above all else?'

And so, in 1169, an expedition of Anglo-Norman soldiers landed at Bannow Strand. Their leader was Richard de Clare, Earl of Pembroke; he was usually called Strongbow, due to his archery skills (and perhaps because he went by that name on Facebook).

In the beginning, everything was going well. However, by 1171, the process seemed to be getting out of His Majesty's control. Henry was indignant. And who could blame him? I mean, imagine being a monarch, waking up one lovely morning to some wonderful birdsong and realizing that your troops, who had until then been destroying, killing and raping on your command, were now destroying, raping and killing as they saw fit! Who do they think they are? 

To combat those bouts of indiscipline, Henry took the situation into his own two hands and personally arrived on the island. He was finally acknowledged as Lord of Ireland, with the Treaty of Windsor (1175).

Little by little, Ireland turned into a feudal country, in the image of the conqueror. The Irish Parliament was founded in 1297.

The Northern Ireland Parliament

 

However, there was a factor the English kings hadn't taken into consideration: Irish women are among the hottest babes in the world! Unable to resist them, Norman noblemen sent to supervise the English territories in Ireland started marrying those chicks and getting Gaelicised. As a result, a hybrid Norman-Celtic culture was created and England's control over the island began to falter. The Statutes of Kilkenn, which were passed by the Irish Parliament in 1367 in an attempt to curb the decline of England's control and force the English subjects in Ireland to follow the English customs, were anything but successful.

King Henry VIII kinda reconquered the island in 1542, reinforcing his authority and declaring himself King of Ireland. 

But, at the end of the day, the cultural differences between the Irish and the English would always be an obstacle to the successful assimilation of Ireland into the United Kingdom. The most important difference was the religious contrast between Irish Catholicism and English Protestantism.

Alas, the Irish kept rebelling every so often.

Finally, with the Anglo-English treaty (1921), the island was divided into Northern Ireland, the residents of which were more than happy to keep considering themselves a part of the United Kingdom, and the Republic of Ireland, an independent state.

Aaand... that's all for today, I guess.

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See you next time.