Henry II of England: An Adorable Boy

 This is the story of an adorable little boy. 

A boy with anger management issues (probably because, when he was little, his mother, Empress Matilda, spent more time engaging in a war over the English throne than loving him). 

A boy with a passion for hunting. 

A boy who grew bow legged because of excessive horse riding. (I feel for you, Henry. I think I, too, suffer from the same condition, except I got it from excessively jacking off in front of my laptop screen).

The boy who would grow up into the hero who set up the Angevin Empire, slaughtering millions of innocents while he was at it.

This is his story!

But, first of all, let's tell a few things about that boy's family background.

As we said last time, when William the Conqueror, Duke of Normandy, conquered England, he reorganized the state. His son, Henry I, successfully continued his father's policy.

Henry I had only one son, William Adelin. That lad drowned during the White Ship shipwreck in 1120. Stephen of Blois, His Majesty's nephew, also meant to embark on that ship, but he couldn't, because he really needed to use the bathroom when the ship set sail (I'm not kidding, fellows; seriously, that's why he missed it!)

In the lack of a male heir, Henry I married again, hoping he would have another son. However, considering he was a relatively advanced age by that time and the fact that not everyone is a Charlie Chaplin, he had set his hopes too high; the desired son never came.

Finally, Henry I went like 'Oh, well' and declared his daughter, Matilda, and her husband, Geoffrey, Count of Anjou, Touraine and Maine (French counties), his heirs. Little Henry, who would later become Henry II, was their son.

Henry I had his court take oaths of fealty to Matilda. Stephen was a member of that court too. However, when Henry I died (1135), he went like, 'You know what, Matilda? Since the people and the clergy of England seem to like me way better than your and your husband's mugs, I have decided to take the throne.'

Matilda gasped. 'Bu... but you swore fealty.'

'Well, now I unswear it. And, as for you, kiss my butt,' Stephen scoffed.

Needless to say, Matilda and Geoff were anything but cool with that.

And so, a 18 year long civil war was initiated. A war resulting in a period called The Anarchy (1135-1153), a period of chaos, land devastation, cruelty, despair and jungle law. In other words, what, more or less, happens on any anime forum thread past the first few posts.

In that war, Meoffrey (let's call that the Matilda/Geoffrey shipping, though I've got nothing against you if you opt to call them Gatilda instead) had several allies, such as Robert, Earl of Gloucester and the bastard illegitimate son of Henry I, and David I, King of Scotland and Matilda's uncle.

By 1147, Little Henry was 14 years old and decided that he had grown up enough to become involved in the war of succession. To show the adults what a big and brave boy he had become, he took a few mercenaries and raided Wiltshire. With that attempt not being as successful as Little Henry had originally expected, the teenage boy deduced that he was not as grown up as he had thought yet, so he was like, 'Okay, guys, let's head back to France.'

The mercenaries glared at him and said, in a sarcastically sympathetic tone of voice, 'Umm, we don't know how to break this to you, kiddo, but you have to pay our wages nonetheless, or else we'll have to gang rape you and turn you into mincemeat (not necessarily in that order!)'

Little Henry gulped. What was he supposed to do now? Ask for mommy's help? Matilda had told him to stay out of this in the first place. And, believe me, when you are 14, an angry mother is even scarier than a group of mercenaries prepared to gang rape and slaughter you unless you pay their wages. So, out of desperation, instead, he asked King Stephen to pay. Even more surprisingly, Stephen did!

Little Henry was grateful. In fact, he was so grateful that he continued fighting against Stephen over the following years!

In 1151, Little Henry found the love of his life when he met Eleanor, who was admittedly quite a babe. And it sure didn't hurt that that marriage would also give him Aquitaine, a French duchy which Eleanor was the duchess of. 

Henry and Eleanor. Credit to Adam Bishop. Adam Bishop / CC BY-SA (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)

 

However, that marriage also gave Little Henry a new enemy and, moreover, a really powerful one: King Louis VII of France, Eleanor's ex husband. Just eight weeks after their marriage was over, with Eleanor having tried to get a divorce for quite some time, Louis was informed that Lennie was about to marry someone else, so, by putting two and two together, he inferred something about his ex wife's fidelity! On top of that, Louis had two daughters by Lennie, so her marrying Henry meant that their future male children would inherit Aquitaine in place of Louises two poor, little angels. And so, the French King joined the English civil war, fighting on Stephen's side. (You have to admit, sometimes history writes even better plots than Game of Thrones.)

Despite the ramifications above, Henry eventually made peace with Stephen, who acknowledged him as his successor. Stephen conveniently died next year (1154) and Henry and Eleanor were crowned at the Westminster Abbey. Even more conveniently, all other claimants to the throne died within the next few years. (Am I the only one who is suspicious about that? Is there something you'd like to share with the class, Henry?)

And so, Henry found himself head of an empire that included the lands he had inherited from his grandfather (England, Normandy), the lands he had inherited from his father (Anjou, Touraine, Maine) and the lands he had obtained thanks to his marriage to the beautiful Eleanor (Aquitaine, Poitou). Henry further extended that empire (which was named Angevin after Henry's royal house) by conquering Ireland and Brittany.

His relationship with King Louis remained bad, most of the time. And it sure didn't help that, on top of having married Louises ex wife, Henry would later have an affair with the former's daughter, Alice, as well. (Seriously, Henry, do you have a fetish for Louises family? Are you gonna screw his cat too?)

Louis tried to take revenge by going around and circulating rumors about his rival. (If he had a laptop, he would be able to do that alone in his room and it would be called trolling.)

Anyway, the military tension created as a result of the above led to a situation similar to the Cold War.

Another interesting part of the reign of Henry II was the Thomas Becket case. Thomas, an old friend of Henry's, was appointed by His Majesty as archbishop of Canterbury in 1162. Soon after, though, the two buddies turned into enemies, when Thomas grew indignant at the king's unreasonable demands regarding the clergy, such as the demand that clerics who committed secular crimes should be judged by secular courts, as if they were normal citizens! (Yeah, the exclamation mark was sarcastic.)

Eventually, Thomas was murdered in a sanctuary. Was Henry behind this? Was he not? We'll ask him when we see him. In any case, Pope Alexander III was furious, firmly believing that Henry was guilty, and excommunicated the English monarch. Until the latter promised to help His Holiness with the next crusade, so the pope went like, 'On second thought, you're innocent, son. Welcome back to Abraham's bosom and have a nice day.' 

Did Henry help with the next crusade? As much as I did!

For all his flaws, Henry introduced innovations, especially in justice. Essentially, he's the father of  common law. 

Anyway, that's all for today.

Till next time, don't forget to buy my novels on Amazon (my author page HERE) and share my posts on social media.

(PS- Just imagine: What if Stephen hadn't had to use the bathroom that day the White Ship sank? Comment below.)