The Quran is regarded as the greatest masterpiece in the history of Arabic literature. All of it is written in rhyme (at least that's what they say; personally, I don't speak Arabic and I have read only the translation in my mother tongue, so I have no way of confirming it). For Muslims, it is considered the Holy Book, the word of the one and only God, the monarch of the universe.
At first sight, it might seem a huge tome which one needs to take steroids to carry around. The truth, though, is that all of it (well, 90% of it or so) consists of a few verses repeated over and over. Okay, obviously, they're not repeated word for word, but seriously, fellows, if you read the verses in this post, you might as well have read almost all of the book!
But, first, a few words about the book and the author. Muhammad (his full name is Abū al-Qāsim Muḥammad ibn Abd Allāh ibn Abd al-Muṭṭalib ibn Hāshim and whoever manages to pronounce this correctly first try can hit my dick with a hammer) was born in Mecca, an Arabic city, in 570 AD.In the aforementioned city, Kaaba is located. Kaaba is a shrine which, according to legend, was built by Adam (yeah, the one who committed the original sin) and rebuilt later by Abraham.
In the era Muhammad was born in, pagan elements had made their way into Abrahamic monotheistic religions; most Kaaba visitors now worshipped, apart from God, other deities as well, such as female angels whom they believed to be God's daughters.
This was considered blasphemous by hardcore monotheists, especially since, at the same time, those pagan people also considered it a disgrace to father a daughter and usually got rid of their female babies by sacrificing them to the gods (you see, back then, feminists hadn't appeared yet, so abortions were not a trend yet).
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| Kaaba |
Sickened by the above, Muhammad would isolate himself in a cave outside Mecca and pray. One time, Angel Gabriel appeared in front of him.
'Muhammad, fear not,' he said to the astonished man. 'I'm Angel Gabriel and I have come to reveal to you the Word of God. The Word of God shall be revealed to you little by little over the rest of your life. You are the chosen one. You...'
'Moi?' Muhammad pointed at himself in disbelief. 'Why am I, of all people, the chosen one? And why don't you reveal it all at once?'
'Dunno, man,' Gabriel sighed. 'I'm just executing orders. Ask God when you see Him. Can I now reveal to you the first part of the Word of God so that we can move on with our lives?'
'Okay,' Muhammad said.
And so, for the rest of his life, Muhammad was frequently visited by Gabriel.
The revelations he received were either memorized by his students or written on palm leaves (you see, there was an Internet connectivity issue in Arabia back then, so storing them on Cloud was out of the question).
The revelations started being gathered into a single book later, during the reign of the first caliph, Abu Bakr.
It was not an easy task, mind you. Factors such as personal interpretations and mistakes affected the process and, as a result, hundreds of versions of the Quran were produced.
Finally, the second caliph, Umar, decided himself which version was the true Quran, after studying all of them thoroughly (or maybe he didn't feel like studying all of them thoroughly and just went with the 'eeny meeny miny moe' method; we'll never know), and then ordered that all other versions were burnt.
1. There is only one God. He created the Earth and the other celestial bodies. He created the Sky, which is supported by some sort of invisible pillars. He causes rain, thanks to which plants grow. He blows winds, thanks to which ships sail. He gave us animals, which we benefit from in various ways.
2. That one and only God, the one who created the Earth, the Heavens yada yada, has no son or daughter or peer or anything of the sort. If you claim that He has, you have just committed the one and only unforgivable sin!
3. God is merciful but also short tempered. Don't fuck with him!
4. God knows about every speck of dust in the universe. It is all written in his Book, which he keeps in the Heavens. The Internet is nothing compared to that!
5. Unbelievers shall never believe, no matter what you tell them. God has blurred their vision, plugged their ears and hardened/sealed their hearts. In the Otherworld, they will wear togas made of fire and drink boiling water. Forever! You know, as a punishment for not believing.
6. Unbelievers in Hell will be like, 'God, we've learnt our lesson. Please, get us out of here.' God will be like, 'I'll think about it, but probably not.'
7. In Heaven, you will have an endless food supply and 72 chicks at your disposal. (Not bad, huh?)
8. If you want to earn Heaven, believe in the one and only God, give some dough to the poor every now and then, pray five times per day and abstain from pork, animals that have died of natural causes and anything sacrificed to false gods (unless you're really hungry, in which case God will show understanding). Nevertheless, the most classy dorm rooms in Heaven are reserved for the ones who have died killing unbelievers. The more unbelievers you kill, the greater your chances! Don't worry; it is not you who kill them. It's God!
9. Girls, don't forget to keep yourselves covered when going out!
10. When God created Adam and Eve, all angels bowed before them, on God's command. Except Satan, who was like, 'As if me, a being created from fire, would ever bow before inferior beings created from cum.' God was like, 'Not cool, jackass. Get the fuck out of Heaven.' Satan was like, 'May I at least stay until the Judgement Day?' God was like, 'I'll allow it.' And so, Satan stayed in Heaven and tricked Adam and Eve into eating fruit from the Forbidden Tree.
11. God sent (insert prophet's name) to (insert tribe's name). The prophet was like, 'Quit Paganism and believe in the one and only God.' The tribe were like, 'Fat chance, bozo.' So, to punish them, God destroyed them by (insert creative way of genocide).
12. On the Judgement Day, the whole Earth shall become flat, the dead will be resurrected and we all shall be judged by God according to our deeds.
13. (This verse addresses Prophet Muhammad). If they say to you that the Quran is not a holy book and that you made it up yourself, answer, 'How can a human create such a linguistic miracle by themselves? I challenge you to try. And you can ask for anybody's help.'
And here you have it. You just read the entire Quran!
Now, for a change, go read my books on Amazon as well (author page HERE). Also, share my blog posts on social media.
See you next time!
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