Introduction to the British Isles

Ahh, the British Isles. This archipelago comprises Ireland, several small, insignificant islands and, last but not least, Great Britain.

Speaking of which, why is Great Britain called great? Does that mean there is a Little Britain as well? And, if there is, where is it? When I googled it, all that showed up was THIS comedy series, which, as interesting as it may seem, was far from what I was looking for.

Anyway, the people living on the aforementioned isles have blessed humanity with so many wonderful things. 

Such as their amazing language. A language you spend 10 years of your life learning only for it to go like, 'You know what, honey? Forget about all grammatical rules you have learnt. Idioms time, baby! They're so many that every rule you've learnt so far is practically useless.'

Such as soccer.

Ahem... it's football!

Whoops, sorry, my bad.

Such as the institution of parliament as it is known today in most modern European countries.

Such as stylish buses.

Such as Lady D.

Such as Harry Potter. Umm, no, on second thought, scratch this one out. I'm not really into novels about magic schools and stuff. I find them boring. And I'm not saying this because I envy Rowling like hell and hate her guts because her novels have sold 523 million copies whereas my own novels have sold only 4 copies. Oh, whom am I kidding? That's exactly why I'm saying this.

But, most importantly, the British have an awesome civilization to show for, one of the most ancient ones in the world. 

Take Stonehenge for example. It brings out the beauty of simplicity. I mean, why try to show off by having your slaves die one after another of exhausting work in order to build gargantuan, useless, pyramid shaped monuments, as the Egyptians? Why wait ages for the trees in your useless hanging gardens to grow, as the Babylonians? Why conduct lab experiments until you have produced a mutant bull to guard your useless, unnecessarily complicated labyrinth, as the Greeks? Instead of the above, just place a few menhirs (large, standing stones) next to one another so that they form a ring, for no apparent reason, and voila! The monument is ready. As useless as all the above, yet way more practical plus it still serves the same purpose: people will still be talking about it even after millennia have gone by.

But how did that amazing civilization come into being?

Well, until about 14.000 years ago, Ireland was connected to Great Britain and, until about 8.000 years ago, Great Britain was connected to Europe. Yes, until about 8.000 years ago, Great Britain was part of continental Europe (which means that, back then, Great Britain had a chance of winning Eurovision even without the fish having the right to vote!)

The earliest people known to have crossed Doggerland (the area of land that connected Britain to continental Europe) were of Iberian stock.

The Iron Age was introduced to the archipelago by Celts that gradually invaded the land from 700 BC to 400 BC. In case you don't know, the Celts were a collection of Indo-European races identified by similarities such as their common linguistic features, a common religion, which was based on a druid priesthood (read or watch Asterix for more details!), a mustache fetish and a practice of embalming human heads to decorate their walls with them!

The Celts that invaded the British Isles were divided into the Gaels (the Celts who inhabited Ireland), the Picts, aka Highlanders, (the Celts who inhabited Scotland, the northern part of Great Britain) and the Britons (the Celts who inhabited England, Wales and Cornwall, the southern parts of Great Britain).

In 55 BC, Julius Caesar was like, 'Britons, I apologize in advance for what I'm about to do. I mean, you all know how benevolent and pacifistic I am, but I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who told him that, during the war between Rome and Gaul, you helped the Gauls. Therefore, as much as it pains me, you leave me no choice but to attack your island so that justice will be served.' And then, in a low voice and talking rapidly, he added, 'Also, your island's minerals and wealth will help me become more popular in Rome and impress that chick that turned me down recently.'

'What?' the Britons asked.

'Nothing!' Julius blushed and then proceeded to attack the island.

However, Caesar's attempts failed, due to adverse weather conditions and the Britons' feistiness.

And so, the Romans stopped getting on the Britons' nerves for about 100 years.

In 43 AD, Emperor Claudius decided to have a shot as well, because, hey, why not? He did better than Julius, though it was only during the 77 AD- 84 AD period that the southern part of Great Britain was truly subjugated, by General Agricola. The Highlanders turned out to be too scrappy, so the Romans had to built fortified structures (such as Hadrian's Wall) to protect their hard earnt land against the likes of the former. As for Ireland, the Romans never even bothered with it, for whatever reason.

Hadrian's Wall. Ain't she pretty?

 

Despite remaining under Roman control for four centuries, the Britons largely retained their own civilization.

In 407, Emperor Honorius withdrew Roman legions from Great Britain in order to defend Rome, which was in peril at that time.

In 448, the Picts began pestering the Britons. And, by 'pestering', I mean that they were massacring them! Under the circumstances, the Britons elected Vortigern warlord. Vortigern had to ally his people with the Jutes, a Germanic race from Denmark that happened to inhabit the southeast coast of the island at that time.

With the help of their allies' leader, Hengist, the Britons won and got rid of the Picts.

Vortigern was like, 'Thanks a lot for your help, guys. We really owe you one. But, with all due respect, now that we don't need you anymore, pack your things and leave.'

Hengist was like, 'Nah. We have come to like your island way better than our homeland. We mean, it is more fertile, the climate is warmer and, most importantly, our cellphones get a better wifi signal here! So we think we're gonna stay here until we have grown homesick. Or forever, whichever comes first!'

Vortigern was like, 'Guys, not cool. If you don't get the fuck out of here, we'll have to fight you.'

Hengist was like, 'Hah, bring it on, suckers.'

And so, after the Britons had their asses handed to them by their former allies at the Battle of Aylesford in 455, Hengist founded the Kingdom of Kent.

When the news reached continental Europe, other Germanic tribes were like, 'Hey, if those Jutes guys could do it, then so can we; we mean, what do they have that we don't?'

And so, over the following years, poor Britain was invaded by various Germanic races, mainly Angles and Saxons, who are collectively called Anglo-Saxons for short (because, obviously, speaking one more fucking syllable is too time consuming for people as busy as the English speaking ones!)

Anglo-Saxons founded six kingdoms (Essex, Sussex, Wessex, Northumbria, Mercia, East Anglia), which, along with Kent, constituted what we call the Heptarchy. Some Celts mingled with the invaders and got Germanized, others formed small, Celtic kingdoms in Wales and Cornwall.

During the Heptarchy era, the kings of the seven Anglo-Saxon kingdoms would often bicker, each of them claiming that his dick was bigger than the dicks of the other six kings and, therefore, he had the right to rule all seven kingdoms. Finally, after centuries of wars and dick measuring contests, in 829, Ecgberht, King of Wessex, managed to unite all seven kingdoms under his reign, thus founding the Kingdom of England, which, in one form or another, still exists today.

What happened next? I'll tell you another time.

Till then, don't forget to buy my novels on Amazon (my author page HERE) and share my posts on social media.