Mary Tudor (aka Bloody Mary) was the first queen regnant of England, that is to say, the first woman to rule the country by herself, in a medieval world dominated by men, when feminism was not a thing yet. I mean, I bet that, if I lived back then, I could even have got a job at a toy shop or a pastry shop or a clothes shop or something despite having a dick, whereas, nowadays, every time I try, the (female) clerk will smile like an idiot and go like, 'Sorry, we hire women only.' (Grrr!)
When that chick ascended the throne, she compiled the following 'to do' list...
1. Make my nickname so famous that, even centuries after my death, cocktails will still be named after me.
2. Restore Catholicism in England.
Unfortunately, Bloody Mary managed to mark only the first checkbox in the list, no matter how hard she tried and how many Protestants and other heretics she roasted at public barbeques.
But let's take things from the top.
Daughter of Henry VIII (we said a lot about him HERE) and sister of Elizabeth I (we said a lot about her HERE). The Tudors were an interesting, though not exactly mentally stable, family, weren't they?
As a child, Little Mary was really precocious. Also, as her father bragged about, she never cried. Then again, presiding over the Council of Wales and the Marches, having her own court and the same royal prerogatives as if she was Princess of Wales, the 9 year old Mary had very few reasons to cry. I mean, I would never cry either if I was her!
Mary's happy childhood was violently interrupted when her father married Anne Boleyn. His marriage to Mary's biological mother was annulled and, as a result, the girl was declared illegitimate, lost her princess status and was demoted to 'Lady Mary'. (What a bloody humiliation!)Things got worse when her father and his new wife had a daughter, Elizabeth. Anne, who never liked Mary's mug anyway, forced the latter to change the diapers of Little Liz and forbade her to contact her biological mother, Catherine of Aragon. Despite that, Mary and Catherine would often correspond in secret by exchanging letters (I guess Anne had also cut Internet connection in Mary's quarters, which is why Mary and Cathy couldn't contact online.)
The relationship between Mary and her father was restored later, in 1536, with the latter's new wife, Jane Seymour, acting as a peacemaker.
Truth be told, at first, Mary was still grieving the recent death of her mother. And the fact that she hadn't been able to see her before she died really added to her grief. Needless to say that, after all she had gone through due to Henry and his previous (and currently beheaded) wife, Mary was unwilling to forgive her father just like that, let alone recognize him as Head of the Church.
Until she realized that she needed money for her gambling habits. And, when you're the daughter of a king, albeit an illegitimate one, what is a better source of income than taxpayers' money? So, in the end, Mary made peace with daddy and regained most of her old privileges, such as a household, servants and the right to spend the taxes hardworking citizens paid as she saw fit.
The father/daughter relationship further improved thanks to Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr (despite Henry having executed Mary's godmother in the meantime, on suspicion of being involved in the Exeter Conspiracy in 1538). Both Mary and Elizabeth were returned to the line of succession (Act of Succession, 1544).
In her youth, there were several suitors for Mary's hand, but none of those attempts was fruitful, for one reason or another. The most besotted of those guys seemed to be Philip the Contentious, Duke of Bavaria. By the way, am I the only one who ships those two together? I mean, look at those lovebirds below. Aren't they just meant for each other?
Anyway. King Henry died in 1547 and was succeeded by his 9 year old son, Edward VI. During the latter's reign, the transformation of the English Church into a Protestant one continued, with Mary stubbornly insisting on her Catholic beliefs and practices.
In Christmas 1550, Mary attended a court where the 13 year old monarch reprimanded her for the above. Mary was like, 'In your age, shouldn't you be more interested in watching porn than in reforming the Church of England?' One thing led to another and both siblings burst into tears. (Come again, Henry? Your daughter never cries?)
Fearing that Mary would restore Catholicism, thus cancelling out all his and his father's hard work, if she ever ascended the throne, Edward excluded her from the line of succession. In fact, he excluded both his sisters for good measure.
Therefore, when Edward died in 1553 of COVID because he didn't wear his mask a lung disease, Lady Jane Grey, the granddaughter of Henry VIII's sister, became queen and remained such for an unbelieavbly long time: nine days.
'Which was nine days too many,' Mary commented when she assembled an army, dethroned her, imprisoned her and executed her soon after. Mary and Elizabeth entered London riding side by side, in a lovely sister/sister scene which Anna and Elsa from Frozen would be jealous of. (The fact that, soon after that, Liz and Mary came to hate each other's guts is another story.)
Soon after her ascension, Mary decided to marry Prince Philip of Spain, who was 11 years younger than her (you rock, cougar girl!) However, everybody in England had objections to that wedding; Protestants because Philip was a Catholic, Catholics because Philip was not English.
When Mary defended her right to do whatever she wanted with her vagina, Wyatt's rebellion broke out, led by Sir Thomas Wyatt the Younger. Wyatt's forces were defeated and poor Thomas was captured and executed.
And so, the couple married at Winchester Cathedral in 1554, though Philip never gained any real power regarding English matters.
At the beginning of her reign, Mary was pretty tolerant of non Catholics. However, after an embarrassing false pregnancy during the 1554-1555 period, she deduced that God was punishing her for her tolerance; after all, Christianity preaches love above all else. And what expresses love more genuinely than executing hundreds of people whom you deem heretics because they interpret a book full of plot holes (Bible) in a different way than you do? And so, the infamous Marian persecutions began.
Mary's policy on foreign matters wasn't really successful either. Her involvement in the war between her husband and the French resulted in the loss of Calais, the last English territory in main Europe.
Mary died young. After all, she had been a sickly lady since her adolescence and, finally, in 1558, the 42 year old queen... ahem... kicked the bucket.
Well, don't be sad, fellows. I bet that now she's finally carefree and happy in the afterlife, having tons of mindblowing sex with Philip of Bavaria, or Philip of Spain, or both! 😉
Speaking of happiness, do you know what would make me happy? If you became my patrons by buying my novels on Amazon (author page HERE).
Also, advertise my novels/blog posts on social media.
See you next time!
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