Henry VIII of England: WTF?

 

A few weeks ago, HERE, we saw the story of Henry II of England, a (not so) adorable boy. Today, we will follow the story of an even less adorable boy: King Henry VIII of England.

A boy who became a king out of nowhere; his older brother died while Henry was prepared for a career as a clergyman. When his old man, Henry VII, died too, the people of England had high expectations for the new king, a highly educated, sophisticated and athletic person. 

However, Henry VIII turned out to be a psychotic freak who executed about one quarter of his country's population. Compared to him, the Queen of Hearts is an amateur, baby!

When Henry ascended to the throne, in 1509, he was a 17 year old lad married to Catherine of Aragon, the daughter of King Ferdinant II of Aragon. Henry had married her mainly because that was his father's dying wish.

Henry showed his true colors right after the coronation; his first actions as the new English monarch were to execute two unpopular ministers, Richard Empson and Edmund Dudley, and spend the contents of the state's treasury (which his father had filled after years of efforts) on lavish post wedding parties. Great start, Henry!

Now, if you already think that Henry VIII was on the way to ruining England, hold on. It becomes worse! In 1511, His Majesty was like, 'Hey, guys, do you know what would be a great idea? To join the anti-French Holy League that Pope Julius II has created and get ourselves in a war that does not actually concern us in the slightest, thus further depleting the state's savings and resources.'

And, true, after years of pointless warfare, Henry withdrew his country from the war (Treaty of the More, 1525), having gained nothing more than a papal draft declaring him the 'Most Christian King', a title which is like thumbs up on Youtube; everybody wants to receive them, though we're yet to find a practical use for them.

Meanwhile, Henry became increasingly worried about the lack of a male heir to the throne. He and Catherine seemingly went at it like rabbits, however, the offsprings they produced had an annoying habit of either dying during birth or being females. 

So Henry decided to try his luck elsewhere, that is to say, with Anne Boleyn, one of Her Majesty's court ladies. And it sure didn't hurt that Anne was a gorgeous, 20 something year old babe whereas Cathy was little by little approaching the middle age.

 

Henry tried to divorce Cathy, however, Pope Clement VII was like, 'Hey, whatd'ya think you're doing, dude? Have you forgotten you're a Catholic? Catholics do not divorce. As a king, you've gotta set a good example. I mean, us popes can overlook some trivial violations of Christianity's basic principles from time to time (such as that time a few years ago, when Pope Leo X declared you Defender of the Faith, despite the fact that you had dragged your country into war and massacred thousands of innocents), but divorcing your wife is too much!'

Henry argued, 'What about that part in the Bible that says that one does not have the right to marry his brother's widow? Catherine was the wife of my brother, Arthur, so this marriage was invalid to begin with.'

Clement was like, 'Talk to the hand. Catherine is the aunt of Holy Roman Emperor Charles V and I'm not going to upset such a powerful person merely to fulfill your dick's needs.'

Being mad that he hadn't had it his way, Henry took it out on his chief adviser, Cardinal Thomas Wolsey, whom he held responsible for the failure and charged with treason. The next Lord Channcelor, Thomas Moore, was a hardcore Catholic and, therefore, far from keen on helping his king manage an annulment of his marriage.

Finally, the solution to what came to be called 'the king's great matter' was given by Thomas Cromwell, a lawyer and minister. That guy proposed, 'Here is what we're gonna do, Your Majesty. We're gonna tell the pope to go fuck himself and then we'll found a separate church, the Church of England. You will be the head of that church, so you will be able to do whatever you want, such as giving yourself a divorce!'

Henry's eyes widened. 'Wow, great idea.'

Cromwell chuckled modestly. 'Hold on, Your Majesty, there's more to that,' he carried on. 'By banning Catholicism in the country, you can dissolve the monasteries and appropriate their properties and income.'

Henry smiled. 'Thomas, you're a genius,' he said, pleased. 'You deserve a proper reward. Remind me not to behead you at least for the next eight years or so.' 

And, indeed, Cromwell was not beheaded before 1540!

In 1533, Thomas Cranmer, Archbishop of Canterbury and Anne's favourite ('Thomas' was a really common name in England back then, wasn't it?), declared Henry's marriage to Catherine invalid and his marriage to Anne valid.

And so, a new Christian denomination was founded: Anglicanism. 

Needless to say the pope excommunicated the king after the above. Equally needless to say that the king didn't give a fuck.

Henry soon found out that young, gorgeous, headstrong babes make great lovers but they don't make that great wives by medieval standards. Alas, he soon grew tired of Anne and, on top of that, the male heir he craved never came. 

In 1536, Anne was charged with treason, adultery, incest and witchcraft and was executed.

Henry mourned the wife he had killed for a really long time. That is to say, for almost 24 hours. For, the next day, he got engaged to Jane Seymour, one of Anne's servants. They married ten days later.

Jane did what Henry's previous wives couldn't: she gave him a son, Edward, who would become Edward VI of England. Jane died of labor complications, but, having given birth to a male heir, she had outlived her usefulness anyway.

(Don't be sad, fellows. Anne Boleyn had the last laugh, albeit from inside her grave. The daughter she gave Henry, Elizabeth, grew to become the greatest English monarch of all times, whereas Edward died when he was as old as I was when I couldn't decide which hand to masturbate with.)

The king's next wife was Anne of Cleves, the sister of William, Duke of Cleves. Hans Holbein, the painter who had undertaken the task of painting her so that the king could see what she looked like, portrayed her as an eight, whereas, in reality, she was more like a six. 

When Henry finally met his future wife, he was disappointed, not only because of her looks but also because he soon found out that that woman's IQ made her essentially a medieval version of Cat Valentine. And even though, according to the protocol, it was too late to go back on his word and he did marry her, he divorced her soon after, with Anne being cool with that too. (And so, Henry learnt a valuable life lesson: The next time you want to marry a woman you've never seen, instead of asking a painter to paint her, google her name on Facebook.)

A monarch and his harem.

In 1540, the 49 year old Henry married the 17 year old Catherine Howard. That marriage, too, was short lived, since Henry was soon after informed that the teenage gal was cheating on him with a good friend of his, Thomas Culpeper. 

Truth be told, at first, Henry did not want to believe the accusations. He was like, 'How dare you? My queen would never do something like that. I mean, just because I'm 32 years her senior and I'm obese and I'm the one who murdered her cousin (Anne Boleyn) and she married me only because her uncle pressed her and I'm a diabetic with skin that smells like a swamp which a horde of elephants have puked into... OHH, now I see your point!'

And so, Catherine Howard and Thomas Culpeper were executed.

With his wives, friends and subordinates executed (on his orders), poor Henry was left alone with his paranoias. The only way left for him to feel he was not merely an aged, miserable man with pus boil covered skin was, you guessed right, more warfare. 

And more warfare he did. Against the French. Against the Scottish. Against the Irish. Against his guts (yes, he didn't like them either). Until the country went bankrupt, so he could no longer engage into further warfare against anyone anyway (his guts excluded).

Poor, Henry. Someday, in one of your reincarnations, you'll see the light; if you haven't already, that is.

As for the rest of you, fellows, don't forget to buy my books (my Amazon page HERE) and share my books/blog posts on social media.

See you next time!