Crusades & Crusaders (Part 2)

 

HERE is the first part of this article. Read it in case you haven't.

Okay? You read it? Now let's move to the second part.

The loss of Edessa shocked Europe. Pope Eugenius III began organizing a new Crusade, with the help of a French Benedictine abbot, Bernard of Clairvaux. 

The latter was a passionate preacher, who went like, 'Behave yourselves, people. The loss of Edessa constitutes divine retribution for your sinful life. You have been watching too much porn lately.'

'Well, it's hard to resist those Netflix low price plans,' the common people tried to defend themselves.

'I don't care,' Bernard snapped. 'It's time to repent. From now on, you will go back to doing things that God likes, such as massacring Muslims and Jews. In other words, from now on, less watching porn, more genocide of unbelievers.'

The Second Crusade was the first Crusade that monarchs took part in: King Louis VII of France (we said a few things about that guy HERE and HERE) and Emperor Conrad III of Germany.

On the way to the Holy Land, Conrad asked for the permission of Emperor Manuel I of the Eastern Roman Empire to cross the latter's territory. Manuel was suspicious. After all, according to the bedtime stories his aunt, Anna Comnena, used to tell him when he was little, during the First Crusade, those Crusaders guys had caused turmoil while passing through the E.Roman Empire.

Nevertheless, the Crusaders promised to behave themselves this time, so, in the end, Manuel granted permission. And the Crusaders behaved themselves this time. Just kidding! Once again, turmoil was caused.

Manuel rolled his eyes. 'Wow, what a surprise,' he mumbled sarcastically. 

Then he turned to Conrad and said, 'Anyway, dude, let's get it over with. Just don't expect me to fight on your side as well. I put the Seljuks in their place recently (1146) but I'm not so stupid as to take that chance and further provoke them. I'll only give you a piece of advice: take the coastal route.'

'Thanks for the advice, Manuel,' Conrad chuckled. 'But I'm an adult boy, therefore, I can make decisions myself.'

And so, Conrad's forces moved deeper into Anatolia's mainland instead, intending to capture Konya, the capital of the Sultanate of Rum. Exhausted and with inadequate supplies, they were ambushed and decimated by the Turks in the Battle of Dorylaeum (1147).

Conrad and a few thousand men managed to make it alive back to Nicaea. 'Adult boy, my ass,' Manuel laughed.

Later, the forces of Louis VII arrived as well and merged with those of Conrad. The army went for Damascus, which, at that time, was ruled by Mu'in ad-Din Unur (Crusaders hated him both because he was a Muslim and because they couldn't write down his name on Word without the spell checker feature turning it red).

The Crusaders besieged the city for five days. Things seemed to be going fairly well and the Christians had a good chance of capturing the city in the end. Until, suddenly, for some reason, each of the two until then collaborating sides (Crusaders and barons of Jerusalem) got under the impression that, all of a sudden, they had sprouted a dick way larger than the dick of the other side and, therefore, they were the rightful owners of Damascus.

For all the dick measuring contests that ensued, it couldn't be decided whose dick was larger. So, in the end, both sides stuck out their tongues at each other and went home. And so, due to that dispute, the Second Crusade came to an end.

 

The Third Crusade started being organized in 1187, when Jerusalem fell to Sultan Saladin of Egypt and Syria.

The main players this time were King Richard I Lionheart of England, King Philip II Augustus of France and Holy Roman Emperor Frederic I Barbarossa.

The last gathered the most powerful army of Crusaders until then. He seemed unstoppable. Eastern Roman Emperor Isaac II Angelos (who had allied himself with Saladin, although he had previously agreed to help the Crusaders) couldn't stop him. The Seljuks couldn't stop him. Lack of swimming skills... could stop him! You see, Freddie drowned in the Saleph River. Tragicomic!

As a result, the morale of the army went down faster than my father after two glasses of wine.

Whatever few soldiers remained, led by Duke Frederick VI of Swabia, merged later with the forces of Richard and Philip.

The Crusaders managed to capture Acre. However, once again, just as in the Second Crusade, the leaders of the campaign were struck by the 'large dick' superiority complex and began bickering.

In the end, Philip blew a raspberry and left, with Richard continuing the war by himself. Until he signed a peace treaty with Saladin (1192), according to which:

-The Sultan retained Jerusalem and Palestine.

-Christians were free to go on pilgrimages to the Holy Land.

-Ascalon's fortifications were demolished.

-The Crusaders kept the coast from Tyre to Jaffa.

And that's all for today.

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See you next time!